Saturday, July 28, 2012

The Right Path?

My friend called me the other just to seek for some advice and he need someone to hear him out. Plus, since i was one of his course mates, this thing is pretty related to me.

So, my friend was in a dilemma right now.. He have failed a few subjects in my course and the counselors decide to appraoch him to give them some of their advice. Cause, the subjects that his failing are all important subjects and most of them are related to codes which is most probably what we are going to do for our future lifes. The counselors were worried for him, so they decided to give him a few options that he can do.

The first option was to continue the same course that his taking by retaking all the subjects that he failed so far but regardless-ly he has to stay back a semester late before graduating. Second, he can change his main course into IT (now we are in computer science, its two different things) still continue his second years and all but the subject his taking will be very different from computer science. Lastly, is change the whole course into commerce such as mass communication, accounting, marketing and all..

He was in a dilemma and he called me to ask me what i think he should do. I couldnt give him and actual answer.. Instead I ask him more and more questions just to help him narrow down his choices and trying to make him realise what kind of course he wants to go.

Somewhere in the middle of our conversation, i dont remember how but we suddenly mention about what course am I suppose to take instead of computer science. He told me that im more suitable to be in the Public Relation or Mass Communication kind of course cause it really suits my personality. This is not just his opinion, i've been receive alot of comments from my friends on what course i suits me very well. Out of 10 of them none of them say computer science cause its just not the Yu Ming kind of thing but instead alot of them say that I should do like Psychology or Communication or Business Marketing kind of stuffs. This is all true..

After the conversation, i start reflecting his situation to myself.. Am I in the right path as well? Is what im taking right now suitable for me? Am i liking what im doing right now?

After doing alittle bit of thinking.. Im worried.. Im was very very worried cause from the results of my previous semester, my score for my programming subjects are not really that satisfying and plus, i was kind lost sometimes when im doing my programming and stuffs.. I always need another person's opinion or an example to help me out with my programs. I always think that im not born to be the programmer kind of guy.. the reason why i keep myself strong and keep doing programming is because im really looking forward the gaming subjects BUT are the gaming subjects really as interesting as it sounds?

Then, i have a short flash back.. I remember on the first day of my orientation at INTI, there was this guy giving us an orientation speech and it was some what related to what im facing right now. I remember his story quite clearly cause his story was sooo inspiring. Back then when he was the same age as us, he was studying a subject that was even more boring and horrible than what im taking right now, engineering (no offense engineering students. XP). The reason why he took engineering is because when he was young he likes to build and repair stuffs for fun but when it entered degree it was not the way that he expect it to be. Which is something very similiar to me, i take computer games development is because i like playing games but i never knew that the course would be so difficult.

So right now, his doing repairs.. but it was not  anything related to engineering, but related humans. His doing human repairing, its something like a consultant or a counselor kind of thing, and goes around giving inspiring and motivational speech to others. Even know he got an engineering knowledge and all but with his perfect human skills, his degree was just another extra path or a plan B to make a living. And of course, he is loving what he is doing right now..

What he said that really inspired me was.. "Everyone in this room listening to this will have a degree and you all will graduated. Yeah, the one sitting right next to you is going to get a degree just like yours. So the question now is, so what? No really, so what? Since everyone is going to get a degree and there are also other thousand of university out there providing degree for students like you all and they are also going to get a degree. So, what issit that makes you all better than the one sitting right next to your right now? Its called Human Skills."

His speech was extremely inspiring but i always have a question that i forgotten to raise my hands or ask him personally. Did he actually finish his degree? Did he take a double degree? Like taking engineering and the human communication stuffs? What did he do to get himself so motivated and so confident to do what he wants to do even know his doing an course that he doesnt like himself? If he finished his degree what did he do to make himself more into the human communication kind of stuffs? All of these i wanted to know right now.. if only i realize what im about to face is not what im expected, I would have raise my hands and ask him these questions..

After going thru a couple of thinking boxes and a couple of flash back, i decided to be just like him. I like computer games development and i like doing public relations stuffs too. I decided to do both at the same time but my main focus degree is definately computer science subjects. All i need to do right now is develop a human skill that will help me be a pretty computer games developer than anyone or to even help me to pursue my second choice which is public relations stuffs. Who knows? I might consider taking a second degree for public relations just because i like it. (that is just too ambitious)

I cant decide anything right now but this is what i temporally have in mind. I will have to wait and see how things goes only i can decide my future.. besides, issint this what im suppose to do right now? For now, i'll have to see what is the future that whoever that is up there looking after me planned for me. X)

So, have you guys have the thought that you might be taking the wrong course and all? Feel free to drop a message and express how you guys feel. I would love to read/listen to it.

Owh, my classes are starting in less that 5 days.. So, i'll be all busy again.. And therefore, there MIGHT be lesser blog post again.. I believe my 3rd semester is defiantely busier than the previous ones.. So wish me luck everyone! XD


Thursday, July 26, 2012

Basketball Players

Since this might be a sensitive issue, I will be using 'the court' as the basketball court that im talking about right. Read on the blog post and you'll understand what im talking about.

So, some of my friends who played with me at the basketball court behind my house asked me "Hey Yu Ming, your a pretty good basketball player. You can jump, shoot and all. Why dont you play at 'the court' but instead you choose to play with us? They have better players there who suit your level, you can improve better that way."

I then replied "Cause the players there are not the kind of basketball players that i like to play with.."

So, what kind of basketball players that im talking about? I might be a personal thingy, but im pretty picky even when it comes to basketball players that im playing or teaming up with. Im talking about the kind of basketball players who have extreme high level of ego. And with that high ego that they have, they then to be alittle.. rude, show off and just basically unfriendly..

Now, all basketball players have ego. As a basketball player myself, i will not deny that.. But altho we all have ego but there are different levels of ego. Some can be the really f*ck up one and some can be the kind of ego that you wont even notice. So how do your know when the person has a f*ck up ego or not? Im gonna teach u guys how to identify these kind of people. It very simple.. you can tell by the attitude that they have while playing bball and how 'kia su' they are. Usually very very ego people will get really mad when they are losing and all. And to make themselves not lose and all, they pick all the strong strong players to join their them and wont let anyone other players to join their team. If there are no strong players they will call their pro friends to come over to the bball call and trash the crap out of us. To make sure that they are not just bring their friends to play for fun, check their friend's attitude.. It should be the same. (im serious about this)

You will know that u are playing with one of these kinds of basketball players when u get into a scenario like this.. One of the ego-ish player tries to lay up the ball into the ring, so he dashes inside, jumps. You panic-ed so you just jump and block to pressure him but u accidentally hit his hand, he shouts foul immediately. Since its your fault, your gentleman enough apologize to him cause ur friendly. He gave u the cold stare and just walked away like his going to kill u after the games. And ever since then, he will only have an eye on you. Doesnt matter what kind of shyt u do, he will crush you and continously give u that cold stare. 

Now, the basketball player that i like to play with are something like this.. The same scenario, he lay-ups, you panic-ed,  you jump, accidentally hit his hands, and he calls foul. When he call fouls its not in like an aggressive shouting way, he will call like in a very normal tone. Then when you go ahead and apologize to him, he will say "Its okay. Are you okay? Good, now back to the game alright?" and after the game, its doesnt matter wheather their team wins or their team lost, they will still come over to you, shake your hands and say "Good game man, well played." Yeah, the people who i usually play with are people like this and that is also the way that i treat other basketball players.

I just think that basketball should be played in a very fun and casual way.. Not in a way that you wanna pick a fight with other players. I fine if kids dont know, but for adults who are in their working age and still plays like a douchebag, really dont deserve to earn my respect.

Yes, everybody wants to win in a basketball game. Who likes to lose forever? But having such a douchebag attitude while playing basketball will not earn other people's respect even if you are good and u win. Sometimes, people dont even want to team up with u with that attitude like you. The people who like to team up with u are probably the same kind of players as you are. To me, i doesnt matter how good you are, if you attitude is like crap, you wont get any respect from me at all. I rather team up with players who are weaker than that fella than teaming up with him. Cause these kind of players are not fun to play along with. 

I've been playing at 'the court' for a few times already and most of the players there are the ones who will give u the cold stare and all..  It was just really really hard to you be friends with them. I like to make friends when it comes to bballs cause that way it feels more comfortable playing with them. So far, in my whole experience in playing basketball in 'the court', i only heard one basketball player that said "Its alright, its just a ball game.". Only uncles will usually say something like this cause they are mature but for teenage guys, those are like an extinct line of words..  When i heard that person said that line, i was happy.. happy there is are actually players like this playing in 'the court'. X)

I will keep training and training and training till im good.. and one day, go there and kick their asses just to tell them the right way to play basketball. Yes, basketball is a competitive sport games.. you get serious when you play in a real competition. But when you play with strangers or random casual players, it should be fun! There should be laughers and joking around when you play bball.. but maybe its just me..

I like to play with players who make alot of noise, jokes and laughs while playing basketball. It just shows their personality that way. And the ones that i dont like are the kinds that i just mentioned above. All of these are not advice or warnings or anything.. all of these are just opinions.. Maybe some of you guys like play with these kind of people and like to win.. If you guys are one of them, i hope u all are not offend cause wtv i said here.. i freaking mean it..

I said i alot of time and I will say it again..Basketball should be played in a fun and friendly environment. If you dont like to play for fun and have a friendly attitude.. please dont come and play with me. Im serious..


Thursday, July 19, 2012

My First: The Apology (Part 4)

If you guys havent read the first 3 parts of the story, I would highly recommend you all to do so. Or else you guys wont really understand the story.. (actually it doesn’t really matter that much. XD)

Part 1: The Confession
Part 2: The Rejection
Part 3: The Flashbacks

So, she was going to leave Taman SEA and change to another high school. I was worried that I was the cause of why she is change to another high school since sooo many things that has been going on between us. But through her friends, she is changing to another high school because its more convenient for her that day. She lives very far away from Taman SEA and its really un-convenient for her to travel for such a long distance..

Since there is just sooo many things going on between us, I really didn’t know how to wish her good bye and ever since the incident, I never did apologize to her for what I did nor did I even talk to her after that incident.. it was really hard for me to just say good bye in such a very sad way..

So, I decided to use the old method.. the way that I have been communicating with her back then when we were in the same tuition together.. Passing papers.

Back then I will always pass her papers during tuition time just to get to talk to her. I was never really good at approaching her and just sit down and talk to her. It was always her that came to me and talked to me. Therefore, passing paper was my ‘brilliant’ idea on how to talk to a girl. She was always sitting infront and I will be usually sitting at the corner bothering my own business.. Now that I think of it, I must be really annoying since I keep passing countless of papers to her, distracting her from concentrating in class. DX XD

My plan was to write a really short apology note for her and pass it to her before her farewell day.. But that time, time was running very short. I was having a hard time finding the right words for the apology letter and I knew the date that she was leaving at the very last minute. Everything was very chaotic and definitely wasn’t going the way that I wanted it to go. In the end, she did receive the letter that I wrote for her but it wasn’t from directly from me.. I didn’t meet up with her personally and pass the letter to her, but I actually passed the letter to her and her friend passed it to her. Not much of a friend’s farewell for me..

Ever since she left Taman SEA, I didn’t really asked her friends anything related to her. And since then, my life in Taman SEA was a little bit different.. Every recess, I couldn’t find anything to do cause usually I will eat and hang out with her. Now that she is not around anymore, there is no meaning behind it anymore. And that time, I was not in the mood to talk to anyone was well cause I was in a very emotional state that. I just wanna be alone for that period of time. And I didn’t her anything from her as well.. well, im not surprise about that part cause after all, I did hurt her feelings.. (and that’s how my forever alone fever starts ever since then. XP)

A couple of months later, one of her friend came up to me and told me that she is coming back to Taman SEA to give us a visit. I was kinda happy to hear that she is actually coming back to visit her friends (like I mentioned before, she is kind and nice) He friend also told me that she is dating a guy in our school. The guy was a friend of mine, not close friend but he is someone who I know and talked before. After hearing it, I was sad again.. Still cant get over her after all the things that I’ve been thru..

So, she came back to school one day to look for her friends.. and I was one of the friends that she wanted to look for. (According to what her friends say) I didn’t know which is the day that she is coming back to visit. And suddenly, she just appeared right infront of me. I was not expecting to see her all in the sudden. I was literally not prepare for anything. Should I apologize? Should I act like nothing happen and say hi? Should I hug her or just shake hands with her or nothing? Of all the choices that I have mentioned above, I choose none of it. Instead, when I saw her I immediately turn my head and walk away. (stupid klex, stupid stupid stupid klex!)

I was still scared and embarrassed of myself from that incident. (im really a hard head am I?) Even know, she took a lot of effort to come all the way back to school just to visit me, I still didn’t want to see her. (pretty stupid aren’t I?) I thought that she shouldn’t see me.. she shouldn’t treat me that nice. She should consider me as a friend at all..

Suddenly, her boyfriend came up to me and talked to me.. At first I didn’t really want to listen to whatever he has to say to me because u know, he is dating someone who I really like. But just to be polite and since he was really a nice guy, I decided to listen to what he has to say. So, both of us sat down at a bench and he told me this..

“I don’t really know what happened between you two. But you know, she has been going all over the school looking for you.. She wanted to apologize to you of what she did. I think you should just at least listen and talk to her.”

When I heard what he said, I was touched.. not entirely because she went all around the school looking for me, but she wanted to apologize to me for something that she didn’t even do wrong. I was the one was being the one who is talking bad behind her back, I was the one who suppose to apologize to her and yet, she wants to apologize to me. There is literally no reason for her to even apologize to me..

At that point, I thanked her bf and head out looking for her. (sounds very dramatic but this is all true) I skipped my after recess just to go around the school looking for her. Hoping that she hasn’t left the school.. Hoping that at least I could give her a like a proper farewell this time.. Finally, after a running for a couple of blocks she found me instead of I found her. We both sat down and talked just like old times.. (I still remember the exact location that we have our conversation)

I apologized to her for what I’ve done.. And I asked her whether we could still be friends.. she smiled and said ‘yes’. The conversation we had felt really really short.. after our conversation she has to go already.. In the end, she gave me a hug and wave good bye and she walked out from the front gate. I then walked back to my class with a relieve smile on my face..

So, what happened to both of us after this incident? Read the next part which is most probably the final part of the whole story. Sorry, for draggin the whole story for too long. XP



Tuesday, July 17, 2012

My First: The Flashbacks (Part 3)

If you have no idea what is going on? Or what this whole story in about, i really suggest you to start reading part 1 and part 2 first before reading this blog post. And if you have already read the first two parts of the story you may proceed on the next part. XP

Lets refresh ourselves, shall we? I stopped at the part where I got yell by the girl whom i've been trying my best to go after for the past 3 years.. All these happened thanks to my stupid immaturity mind which couldnt accept the fact that i was rejected badly.. Instead of finding a way to climb back up, i caused nothing but trouble and hurt my very close and dear friend..

Ever since that incident.. I never talked to her anymore.. I dont have the courage to face her anymore.. after what i've done, i never consider myself as a friend to her anymore. During this long period of time, more and more flashbacks of me and her are running thru my head..

Back when i was still friends/ going after her, i will always hang around in her class.. just to meet and spend some time with her. Sometimes i even skip class just to spend more time with her whenever there is no teacher in her class.. I still remember there was once i sat in her class even when the teacher is in the classroom. But i eventually got caught i immediately left the class.. That was a pretty funny and embarrassing incident. XP

I remember back then we used to know each other thru tuition.. i will always be sitting at the corner drawing and drawing and drawing.. (i was pretty anti social back then..) but she will come up to me and talked to me.. at first, i was really hard to communicate with her cause it was just too sudden. She sometimes compliment about my drawings and so once in awhile i will draw something for her. X)

Another flashback was when she came and surprise me infront of my house.. It was not really a planned surprise or anything. I was just a normal weekend day and i was having my evening nap before bball.. Now, i usually have a habit if im having a good nap and you wake me up for no particular reason, i will get into a horrible mood. So, that day my cousin woke me up in a very annoying way.. he was jumping at my bed asking him to wake up. I woke up and in a very very angry mood. My cousin told that she was here infront of my house to find me.

At first i was like.. Impossible.. Cause she lives so far and plus, she doesnt really know where i live as well. He told me in a very very suspicious way cause he was smiling and all. Sometimes, he wake me up cause my mom asked him to wake me up just because she doesnt want me take too long afternoon naps. I was already not in a good mood, so didnt really want to listen to what he has to say but he still keeps waking me up. I finally wake up and i was pissed.. i told him if the person infront of my house was not her, his dead.

I went down, look out and saw her.. it was actually her. She said 'hi' and waved at me. The moment I saw her i was complete awake, the horrible mood that i just had early gone. I couldnt believe my eyes that she was actually right infront of my house. I never even dream of seeing her infront of my house before! (maybe i did but i just dont remember.. anyways~)

Apparently, she was hanging out with her friend who lives EXTREMELY near my house (it was like 2 mins walk kind of near) and she wanted to pay me a visit at the same time. I was not prepared for anything (like always) so i decided to introduce my doggie to her. Back then, Jasper was still alive and he was aggressive as ever so he was not stranger friendly. I was having a really hard time calming Jasper down to get along with her. But she was amazing.. she was sooo calm and she keeps trying to pat his head altho he just keeps barking at her. She was not afraid of Jasper at all! Finally, after attempting multiple times, she finally get to pat Jasper's head.

After that, we left Jasper back at home and both of us went for a short walk until her parents came and pick her up. After she left.. I went home and gave Jasper a pat on the head for being a good boy. I remember clearly i asked Jasper this.. "Hey Jasper did you like her? Cause i do. X)" i also  remember that it was raining after she left, so I couldnt go basketball but it doesnt matter anymore cause her surprise just totally made my day. X)

After going thru all the flashback.. i realise what i did was just stupid and self fish.. nothing could describe how stupid my actions are. She was such an awesome girl.. even if we are not bf or gf, she is still an awesome friend. And i just blew the whole thing up.. (i could really talk about how stupid i was back then all day. XD)

Although i didnt talk to her personally and all but i did talk to her friends.. of course, i apologize to them about all the yelling and insulting i did. (i still feel bad) I will always talk to her friends just to know how is she doing once in awhile.. Sometimes, i will hide at the corner just to check (stalk) how is she doing.. and she always seem so fine and happy.. Which kinda makes me alittle relieve seeing her at least feeling better and not really affect by the incident..

Everything was going the same way for a couple of weeks.. until one day, when i asked her friends about her one of her friend told me that she is going to transfer to another high school. After hearing the news, i was shocked.. Could this be the end of us? Is there really not a chance to even be friends again?



Sorry it took so long to finish this one part.. I promise part 4 will be up immediately. Cause i actually finished part 4 before i finish part 3. XP Spoiler alert, part 4 is the final part of the story.. BUT there total of 5 parts of the story. Enjoy~ XD

Click Here to read part 4

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Surprise! Im Working~

I know some of you guys are actually expecting the part 3 of "My First" blog post. Sorry, that its not up yet until right now and im sorry that i MIGHT not be up anytime soon..

Like ALWAYS i have my reasons.. So hear me out alright? XP

First of all, as you all know that im on holidays right now. (okay, maybe u guys dont know cause i mention about it in any of the blog post) instead of sitting down at home playing or going out all night like a boss, my parents demand me to get a job.

I wasnt sure what kind of job im really interested in at the moment.. im too lazy for jobs that have to participate everyday, work ur life out and get really really unsatisfying pays. I like doing events but my brother is current out of events for me to do.. (regret not asking him to book a spot for me) Until one day, my friend Zhen Whei called me and offered me a job. It was the kind of job that u have to start working from 8am to 5pm in the evening, its paid by hours, the work place will have no internet access, only an old working computer for you and it involves alot of data entering and office stuffs which totally sounds like something that I would be attracted with. But the pay for the job is really good and according to him the work load is VERY VERY LITTLE (capital letters to show how extreme im talking about here)

Since it sounded so interesting and relaxing, i thought of giving it a shot since they only want me for 2 weeks. And so far, i've working great! I having lots of fun there working with my friends. Now, i've been working in the office like a office boy, (at least i feel like one) Doing paper shredding, data entries, printing, setting up computers, stick addresses on envelops.. its a pretty fun job since Zhen Whei and another friend of mine, Shu Mei is working there with me as well. XP

Oh oh oh, i didnt tell you guys about the best part of this job! My work place is around my previous college.. HELP University College! 8D Its like SUPER NEAR the degree building for HELP students.. I was totally excited with the job cause who knows, i might get to meet some of my friends there? So far i did met a few and its only day two of my job. XD

There is one draw back thou.. i have to take the stupid, retarded, annoying, late coming, worst but experiencing, U82 bus. I thought things would have change with the timing and the people who are sitting in the bus.. but Nooooooo~ boy was i wrong.. i didnt change one bit.. Journey to my work place and going back going to be the same old pain the ass again.. DX

Alright, guess I wont be bloggin that often even thou its holidays.. but dont worry, i will always remember to tweet and update around weekends. (im free on weekends) so till then, hope you guys still once in a blue moon come and visit my blog yeah?

Owh, i forgot to tell you guys another BEST thing about the office, its probably the BEST-EST thing i've experience la.. the job got free candies and milo.. and when i say candies, i dont mean cheap pasar candies.. im talking Marz, M&M, Snickers, etc.. yeaps.. i get to eat at least 2 of it if i have the chance.. XP

Yeah.. you all better be jealous. XD


Tuesday, July 3, 2012

My First: The Rejection (Part 2)

If you havent read the first part, i suggest you do.. or else you wont quite understand the whole story.. Skip this one blog post and you will find a blog post title "My First: The Confession (Part 1)". Read it and come back to this post later. XP

Okay.. so where are we? Owh right! The confession part.. XP

"Hey, I've been liking you all this while. Would you go out with me? Can you be my girlfriend?"

The moment I said that everyone who was around her was shocked. Yes, i did my very first confession in public. Where all the other students who are at the front gate waiting for their parents to come and fetch them. Almost everyone around us heard my confession.

Her friends are starstruck.. not in a good way.. not in a way like they saw a celebrity that they loved appear infront of their eyes. It was a starstruck like "OMG!!". Some of them had their eyes big widely open. Some of them had the hands on the mouth and some of them have their jaws dropped. But she, she acted normally. She looked like she wasnt surprise at all. But she did smile and said..

"Awww Yu Ming, that is really sweet but im really sorry.."

I remember she said something more than that but i just dont remember. I only remember the words that really matters.. So, yeah.. After all the 3 years of felling in love with her, i finally had my answer and the answer was a 'no'.

Unlike any other rejections, usually the person who get rejected will ask the person who rejected him/her for the reason why did they get rejected. But me? I didnt do anything.. The moment i got my answer, i just put my heads down and walked away.. i didnt even wish her good bye. I just quickly walked away from the scene, trying not to let any one see my ugly face reaction. All the way from the front gate to the back gate, i walked with my heads down. Even when i bumped into my friends, i didnt even bother saying 'hi'. All i want is to quickly get out from there..

Usually I have multiple ways to go home. I can get on the bus, i could call my parents or i could hitch a ride from my friends. But that day was not suitable for any of these.. that day i decided to walk home alone..

Until today, i can clearly remember the road which i walked on the day i got rejected. The walk back home that day was just depressing.. Thru out the whole journey, flashbacks starts running thru my head. All those happy moments that we share, and those comfortable moment that i like spending with her, all the dreams of holding her hands and walk around like happy couples, all are crushed.

I was very lucky. While thinking of depressing thought, i never get hit by car or get rob by some burglar. Cause really, that time i was actually very vulnerable and defend-less. Things became more emotional when the rain starts pouring in and worst of all is that, i was far away from home. No one really saw it but i did shed a couple of tears when the rain poured in. (the tear were all covered up by the rain) I wasnt really crying cause i got rejected, i was crying cause i have the feeling/thought that someone up there knows that im sad and he/she just wants to show how sad they are looking at my that way. (I dunno what im saying here but thats really how i felt that time)

So I continue walking under the rain, reach home, got scold by my dad for walking home under the rain, bath, clean up, had dinner, did my homework and finally move on the sleep it off moment. That night, i couldnt sleep. I took the rejection very hard.. the whole night, i couldnt stop thinking of the confession scene that i just had earlier that day. I couldnt get that off my mind.. but eventually, i manage to sleep it off.

It was actually my very first rejection. And first rejections are always been very painful and its really hard for the one got hurt to climb back up. NO ONE and partically NO ONE can help you get back up except yourself. You gotta learn to accept and forget about him/her. OR this might not happen and this only happens in movie dramas, the other way that you can get back up is having a miracle that the person that rejected you changes his/her mind and wants you to be their wtv. Reality wise, that is not possible. Even if it really happen, things might have already change, you wont feel sincere.. you wont feel like its the same anymore.

Since i took the rejection really hard, it took me a very long long time to get back on my feet. The more i keep thinking about the scene over and over again, the more i got mad. I was extremely immature that time, i couldnt really take rejection and accept it in a mature way. No, i gotta get mad about it, cause a whole lot of drama and f*ck things up.

Ever since the rejection, i never talked to her. Instead i go around talking bad about her behind her back. I went around going rage and all. Her friends tried to come and comfort me but i didnt even listen to them. Instead, i told them how inconsiderate she was.. how she doesnt understand other people's feel, how she doesnt see me as suitable bf. And i remembered very clearly, that i called her a 'bitch'.

Until today, i have no idea what was going on through my head. I seriously have no idea what i was mad about. Even writing this blog post seriously make me feel how stupid and immature i am 6 years ago. What was really going thru my head? What the F*ck what i think!? (Before any of you start to think that im an asshole, do remember that this is story is the me 6 years ago. XP)

Unfortunately, she heard the whole conversation and she had enough.. she head over to me and yelled right at my face. (and i still remember the location that she yelled at me. XP)

"Tan Yu Ming! If you really dont like me then just come say it at my face! Dont you dare pick on my friends and talk bad behind my back."

Then it all hitted me, was everything i did worth it? Did all the talking bad things behind her back really made me happier? Did they make me stronger? Did it solve anything? No, things just got worst. That one yelled woke me up. I was embarrassed.. embarrassed that i talk bad about someone whom i really care for, someone who i like or maybe even loved for 3 long years. In just a few weeks time, i changed into a monster.

I didnt even feel any better at all. Instead of becoming stronger, i become weaker, more immature. And worst of all, i hurt the girl that i've like for 3 years.. I feel horrible..

After that yell, i walked away again.. nothing i say could make it up to her. Nothing i say that could make her smile again.. I quickly walked again and never spoke to her again..




My First: The Confession (Part 1)

The other day me and my cousin are having some conversation and we sudden came to the topic of relationships and stuffs. That topic then lead us to confessing and rejected by girls. I told him the story about my own personal experience and since I never mention that story on this blog before, I decided to share this very special story for mine to you guys too. XP

It all begin in the year 2006, when I was form 2. Second year in high school. A year before this blog was exist. It was the time when friendster was like facebook today.

There was this girl who i start liking way back when i was in standard 6. She is probably one of the reason why i keep asking my parents to send me to Taman SEA. (this is true) She was like any other guy's dream girl. Smart, sweet, pretty, amazing, awesome, friendly, funny and of course popular. Ever since she was standard 6 she has been always popular in the school. Therefore, lots of guys are going after her and i mean ALOT.

I've been pretty close friends with her for about 3 years and when we hit form 2 things just got better and better. We are not really close to the extend that we would call each other or text each other everyday but once in awhile we both will sit down somewhere and talk to each other. In tuition, we will pass paper messages to talk instead of sitting with each other. Ahhh.. those are the times when things felt really really nice and comfortable. X)

Since she is so popular she tends to have a boyfriend once in awhile.. And I have this really funny thinking that if someone has a boyfriend or someone they like, is best not to disturb them cause they are happy and i dont want any conflict to happen. Back then (even until today) i never really wanted to fight for someone i really like. I never stood up and go after her manly like any other guys did. All i did was just sit down and spend as many time as I can with her. And when she has a bf or someone she likes, i will just back off and go emo at a corner without letting her know. (she eventually figured it out cause shes smart. XP)

Now back to the main story, back in the days my high school was pretty well known for its gangsterism. And there was this dude who is kinda gangster (in my opinion) wanted to go after her. Once in awhile I will hear her talking about him and I will see them together. I never really liked that guy even know his older than me, more popular than me or cooler than me. I was afraid that she will really like him and end up dating that guy. I didnt want that to happen.  Its not really because i hated him, its because of the bad flirting dumping stories that i heard about him and i dont want her to end up just like them.

I know it was not my place to tell her to not date him.. cause really i know nothing about that guy. All i know is that his one badass guy. So i seek my friend for advice and opinions. Most of her friends knew that I have feelings for her and im very sure she knew that too. (cause again, shes smart. XD) I received alot of advices and most of them sounded something like this..

"If you really like her so much, why dont you go and confess to her? Why dont you give it a shot? You gotta man up alittle bit and just confess to her. Tell her how u really feel. Maybe she will end up dating you instead of that guy? Just give it a shot."

I didnt really like that idea to confess to her and tell her how I feel but i didnt like the idea of going up to her and tell her not to date that guy too. I was lost.. Honestly, that time i really didnt know what to do.. I NEVER confessed to a girl before. Im having troubles even trying to have a decent conversation with her (im very bad in face to face communication when it comes to someone i like.) and to confess to her face to face is probably 100 times more harder. So, I figured i just ignore both ideas and get on with a normal life.

Everything was same as usual until one day, i heard rumors about the guy was going to confess to her. Then it all starting to get into my head. What should I do? What should I do? What should I do? So, i decided to do it.. I decided to confess to her and tell her how I feel. That time, I really wasnt thinking straight. There was really no proper well planned thing on to my head. Usually when someone confess they will do something special like bring a flower or present or do it on a special occasion. But that time no, it was a normal day, no flowers, no nothing.. I dont even have a poem to go along with it.

So after school, I immediately ran to the front gate where is she always waiting for her parents there. And there she was, stand and talking happily with her friends. I approach her, interrupted her conversation and asked her to have a moment.. but she didnt want to cause she said she was waiting for her parents and she dont wanna leave her friends alone as well. (I think she knew is coming already) and without hesitation, i took a deep breath, cross my finger and said it..

"Hey, I've been liking you all this while. Would you go out with me? Can you be my girlfriend?"



*I didnt want to make this blog post really really really long.. so i decided to cut it into two parts. I find that this way it seems more dramatic and enteretaining. Yeah, stay tune for part 2 which im actually writting it right now. XD"

Click HERE to read part 2. XP

Monday, July 2, 2012

False Hopes

Have you ever have false hopes?

So lets put it in a way that some of you guys might understand what im going thru. XP

There was this ice-cream that you really really want to buy.. it was the perfect ice-cream and the ice-cream that you've ever dream of eating it. You want the ice-cream so badly that you work hard everyday saving up your whole entire savings for that ice-cream. Finally, you get to buy the ice-cream!! YAY~ XD

And since its like a bucket of ice-cream and you wanna enjoy eating it slowly in the future, you decided to keep it in the refrigerator and eat it later on in the future. Waiting for the right time to eat the ice-cream. Every night you will be thinking about that ice-cream in your fridge.. and you cant wait to eat it but sadly your just too busy every single day that you have the time to eat it but its fine cause you are a very patient person and you wanna wait for the really right time to do so.

One day you open the fridge and it gone! Someone else has already ate the whole bucket of ice-cream and left a small part of it for you. Alright thats fine, like i said.. your a very patient person.. you forgive the person who ate almost ALL of YOUR ice-cream..

So u took the last piece of ice-cream and eat it. Yes, finally you get to eat the ice-cream! But still.. it was not as good as you want it to be.. its cause the ice-cream gave u one big false hope.. its cause of everything that is going on around you, you are psychologically not satisfied.. and your sad..

Owh owh owh! Heres another example and this one sounds more suitable or sounds more understandable for you guys. XD

Lets say there was a school filled with 5 to 6 years old kids and you are one of them. The school announce that everyone will get a present if they all are good children. So, you work really hard, study really hard to be a good student in the school. So finally, the school announce and said that everyone has been a good kids so every class with get candy.

And since your 5 or 6 years old.. you are soooo happy! You got a candies!! SWEET!! So your jumping for joy chowing down your candies with all your friends and everyone was happy.. the best part is that you felt like you have achieve something.. you really felt like you are awesome.. you feel like your appreciate..

But wait.. as you look over to the other class room, the children are scream for joy. They all ran around shouting 'free bike! free bike! free bike!' What!? No one told you that there was a chance to get a free bike?? What you know is that you will get a present and thats all you know. Your class got a free candy while some other classes got free bikes.

In the end, your hopes are all crush.. the small little candy that school gave you doesnt mean anything anymore. Its not because its the school's fault not telling u that u get a chance to get a free bike, its just your not good enough or lucky enough or awesome enough to get the free bike. The thought that you are awesome just totally got destroyed and your sad.. 

Yeah.. so are you guys getting the idea of false hopes? Thats how i've been filling myself with all these while.. hopes that are easily to get crush. Thats basically how i freaking mentally torture myself.. maybe thats why i got so many white hairs.. DX XD

Small little things can make someone happy but sometimes that small little things can crush one's hope..

Owh btw, im having holidays right now! So yeah.. you guys will be seeing little bit more of my blog, non-making sense, emo-ing blog post around.. i hope.. if im not too busy doing house chores at home.. or to be more realistic.. not to lazy. XP

I hope everyone is doing okay right now.. and if there is any of you out there (who i know) who are feeling the same way as I am. I just wanna let you guys know.. i know how you all feel.. and if u guys ever need an ear to hear you guys out, you guys can come and find me. Cause really.. thats what people who have lost their hopes really need.. somone to hear them out. X)