Tuesday, July 3, 2012

My First: The Rejection (Part 2)

If you havent read the first part, i suggest you do.. or else you wont quite understand the whole story.. Skip this one blog post and you will find a blog post title "My First: The Confession (Part 1)". Read it and come back to this post later. XP

Okay.. so where are we? Owh right! The confession part.. XP

"Hey, I've been liking you all this while. Would you go out with me? Can you be my girlfriend?"

The moment I said that everyone who was around her was shocked. Yes, i did my very first confession in public. Where all the other students who are at the front gate waiting for their parents to come and fetch them. Almost everyone around us heard my confession.

Her friends are starstruck.. not in a good way.. not in a way like they saw a celebrity that they loved appear infront of their eyes. It was a starstruck like "OMG!!". Some of them had their eyes big widely open. Some of them had the hands on the mouth and some of them have their jaws dropped. But she, she acted normally. She looked like she wasnt surprise at all. But she did smile and said..

"Awww Yu Ming, that is really sweet but im really sorry.."

I remember she said something more than that but i just dont remember. I only remember the words that really matters.. So, yeah.. After all the 3 years of felling in love with her, i finally had my answer and the answer was a 'no'.

Unlike any other rejections, usually the person who get rejected will ask the person who rejected him/her for the reason why did they get rejected. But me? I didnt do anything.. The moment i got my answer, i just put my heads down and walked away.. i didnt even wish her good bye. I just quickly walked away from the scene, trying not to let any one see my ugly face reaction. All the way from the front gate to the back gate, i walked with my heads down. Even when i bumped into my friends, i didnt even bother saying 'hi'. All i want is to quickly get out from there..

Usually I have multiple ways to go home. I can get on the bus, i could call my parents or i could hitch a ride from my friends. But that day was not suitable for any of these.. that day i decided to walk home alone..

Until today, i can clearly remember the road which i walked on the day i got rejected. The walk back home that day was just depressing.. Thru out the whole journey, flashbacks starts running thru my head. All those happy moments that we share, and those comfortable moment that i like spending with her, all the dreams of holding her hands and walk around like happy couples, all are crushed.

I was very lucky. While thinking of depressing thought, i never get hit by car or get rob by some burglar. Cause really, that time i was actually very vulnerable and defend-less. Things became more emotional when the rain starts pouring in and worst of all is that, i was far away from home. No one really saw it but i did shed a couple of tears when the rain poured in. (the tear were all covered up by the rain) I wasnt really crying cause i got rejected, i was crying cause i have the feeling/thought that someone up there knows that im sad and he/she just wants to show how sad they are looking at my that way. (I dunno what im saying here but thats really how i felt that time)

So I continue walking under the rain, reach home, got scold by my dad for walking home under the rain, bath, clean up, had dinner, did my homework and finally move on the sleep it off moment. That night, i couldnt sleep. I took the rejection very hard.. the whole night, i couldnt stop thinking of the confession scene that i just had earlier that day. I couldnt get that off my mind.. but eventually, i manage to sleep it off.

It was actually my very first rejection. And first rejections are always been very painful and its really hard for the one got hurt to climb back up. NO ONE and partically NO ONE can help you get back up except yourself. You gotta learn to accept and forget about him/her. OR this might not happen and this only happens in movie dramas, the other way that you can get back up is having a miracle that the person that rejected you changes his/her mind and wants you to be their wtv. Reality wise, that is not possible. Even if it really happen, things might have already change, you wont feel sincere.. you wont feel like its the same anymore.

Since i took the rejection really hard, it took me a very long long time to get back on my feet. The more i keep thinking about the scene over and over again, the more i got mad. I was extremely immature that time, i couldnt really take rejection and accept it in a mature way. No, i gotta get mad about it, cause a whole lot of drama and f*ck things up.

Ever since the rejection, i never talked to her. Instead i go around talking bad about her behind her back. I went around going rage and all. Her friends tried to come and comfort me but i didnt even listen to them. Instead, i told them how inconsiderate she was.. how she doesnt understand other people's feel, how she doesnt see me as suitable bf. And i remembered very clearly, that i called her a 'bitch'.

Until today, i have no idea what was going on through my head. I seriously have no idea what i was mad about. Even writing this blog post seriously make me feel how stupid and immature i am 6 years ago. What was really going thru my head? What the F*ck what i think!? (Before any of you start to think that im an asshole, do remember that this is story is the me 6 years ago. XP)

Unfortunately, she heard the whole conversation and she had enough.. she head over to me and yelled right at my face. (and i still remember the location that she yelled at me. XP)

"Tan Yu Ming! If you really dont like me then just come say it at my face! Dont you dare pick on my friends and talk bad behind my back."

Then it all hitted me, was everything i did worth it? Did all the talking bad things behind her back really made me happier? Did they make me stronger? Did it solve anything? No, things just got worst. That one yelled woke me up. I was embarrassed.. embarrassed that i talk bad about someone whom i really care for, someone who i like or maybe even loved for 3 long years. In just a few weeks time, i changed into a monster.

I didnt even feel any better at all. Instead of becoming stronger, i become weaker, more immature. And worst of all, i hurt the girl that i've like for 3 years.. I feel horrible..

After that yell, i walked away again.. nothing i say could make it up to her. Nothing i say that could make her smile again.. I quickly walked again and never spoke to her again..




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